flowchart TD
Start([Wake up at 4:47 AM<br/>Exactly]) --> CheckMoon{Is the moon<br/>waning gibbous?}
CheckMoon -->|Yes| GoodStart[Excellent.<br/>Proceed.]
CheckMoon -->|No| Wait[Wait 24 hours<br/>Coffee requires<br/>proper lunar alignment]
Wait --> Start
GoodStart --> CheckBarometer{Barometric pressure<br/>between 30.2-30.4 inHg?}
CheckBarometer -->|No| Relocate[Drive to higher/lower<br/>elevation until pressure<br/>is optimal]
Relocate --> CheckBarometer
CheckBarometer -->|Yes| HandWash[Wash hands 3 times<br/>with pH-neutral soap<br/>Dry with lint-free towel]
HandWash --> BeanSelection[Select beans from<br/>today's harvest batch]
BeanSelection --> BeanInspection{Inspect each bean<br/>under magnifying glass}
BeanInspection -->|Defect found| DiscardBean[Discard entire batch<br/>Start over tomorrow]
BeanInspection -->|Perfect| CountBeans[Count exactly 437 beans<br/>No more, no less]
CountBeans --> GrinderCalibration[Calibrate burr grinder<br/>to 15.7 micron precision]
GrinderCalibration --> GrinderWarmup[Run grinder empty<br/>for 3 minutes 22 seconds<br/>to reach optimal temperature]
GrinderWarmup --> FirstGrind[Grind 12 beans<br/>as sacrifice to<br/>coffee gods]
FirstGrind --> DiscardSacrifice[Discard sacrifice grounds<br/>while chanting coffee mantras]
DiscardSacrifice --> TempCheck{Room temperature<br/>exactly 68.4°F?}
TempCheck -->|No| AdjustHVAC[Adjust HVAC system<br/>Wait 47 minutes<br/>for stabilization]
AdjustHVAC --> TempCheck
TempCheck -->|Yes| HumidityCheck{Humidity at<br/>45.2% ± 0.1%?}
HumidityCheck -->|No| HumidityAdjust[Add/remove exactly<br/>12.7ml water to air<br/>using calibrated atomizer]
HumidityAdjust --> HumidityCheck
HumidityCheck -->|Yes| ActualGrind[Grind remaining 425 beans<br/>in counterclockwise motion<br/>while facing magnetic north]
ActualGrind --> GrindInspection{Particle size<br/>uniformity > 97.3%?}
GrindInspection -->|No| ReGrind[Adjust grinder by<br/>0.1 micron increments<br/>Re-grind everything]
ReGrind --> GrindInspection
GrindInspection -->|Yes| WaterPrep[Water preparation<br/>begins...]
WaterPrep --> WaterSource{Water source<br/>verification}
WaterSource --> SpringWater[Collect water from<br/>specific mountain spring<br/>at 4,847 ft elevation]
SpringWater --> WaterTest[Test TDS: 147 ppm<br/>pH: 6.83<br/>Calcium: 68 mg/L<br/>Magnesium: 24 mg/L]
WaterTest --> FilterWater[Triple-filter through<br/>1. Activated carbon<br/>2. Reverse osmosis<br/>3. Remineralization]
FilterWater --> WaterTemp[Heat to exactly<br/>201.7°F ± 0.2°F<br/>using calibrated thermometer]
WaterTemp --> EquipmentPrep[Equipment preparation<br/>phase...]
EquipmentPrep --> CupSelection{Select cup from<br/>collection of 847 cups}
CupSelection --> BorosilicateCup[Choose borosilicate glass<br/>cup #247<br/>Perfect thermal properties]
BorosilicateCup --> CupRinse[Rinse cup 7 times<br/>with filtered water<br/>at precise angles]
CupRinse --> CupPreheat[Preheat cup with<br/>199.1°F water<br/>for 2 minutes 14 seconds]
CupPreheat --> FilterSelection[Select paper filter<br/>Oxygen-bleached<br/>Born on a Tuesday]
FilterSelection --> FilterRinse[Rinse filter with<br/>exactly 73.2ml<br/>of brewing water]
FilterRinse --> BrewMethod{Choose brewing method<br/>based on current<br/>atmospheric conditions}
BrewMethod -->|High pressure| V60Method[Hario V60<br/>Pour-over method]
BrewMethod -->|Low pressure| ChemexMethod[Chemex<br/>Pour-over method]
BrewMethod -->|Perfect pressure| AeropressMethod[Aeropress<br/>Inverted method]
V60Method --> V60Setup[Set up V60 dripper<br/>at exactly 47° angle<br/>from magnetic north]
ChemexMethod --> ChemexSetup[Position Chemex<br/>with spout facing<br/>prevailing wind direction]
AeropressMethod --> AeropressSetup[Assemble Aeropress<br/>in inverted position<br/>Lubricate seals precisely]
V60Setup --> BloomPhase
ChemexSetup --> BloomPhase
AeropressSetup --> BloomPhase
BloomPhase[BLOOM PHASE:<br/>Pour 2.7x coffee weight<br/>in water over 17 seconds<br/>in spiral motion]
BloomPhase --> BloomTimer[Wait exactly<br/>37.4 seconds<br/>for CO2 degassing]
BloomTimer --> FirstPour[FIRST POUR:<br/>Add water to 147g<br/>total weight<br/>in 23-second pour]
FirstPour --> FirstRest[Rest for<br/>31.7 seconds<br/>while humming coffee aria]
FirstRest --> SecondPour[SECOND POUR:<br/>Add water to 234g<br/>total weight<br/>Pour height: 3.7 inches]
SecondPour --> SecondRest[Rest for<br/>28.1 seconds<br/>Contemplate coffee essence]
SecondRest --> FinalPour[FINAL POUR:<br/>Add water to final<br/>347g total weight<br/>Finish with flourish]
FinalPour --> BrewTimer{Total brew time<br/>3:47 ± 3 seconds?}
BrewTimer -->|No| Failure[FAILURE!<br/>Pour out coffee<br/>Start completely over<br/>Question life choices]
Failure --> Start
BrewTimer -->|Yes| WeightCheck{Final coffee weight<br/>exactly 207.3g?}
WeightCheck -->|No| Failure
WeightCheck -->|Yes| TempVerify{Serving temperature<br/>exactly 167.2°F?}
TempVerify -->|No| TempAdjust[Adjust temperature<br/>using precision heating/<br/>cooling apparatus]
TempAdjust --> TempVerify
TempVerify -->|Yes| AromaTest[Inhale aroma<br/>for exactly 7.3 seconds<br/>Verify 847 distinct notes]
AromaTest --> CurvatureCheck{Coffee surface<br/>curvature optimal?<br/>Meniscus perfect?}
CurvatureCheck -->|No| SurfaceTension[Adjust surface tension<br/>with microscopic<br/>coffee oil additions]
SurfaceTension --> CurvatureCheck
CurvatureCheck -->|Yes| FinalInspection[Final visual inspection<br/>Color: #3C2414<br/>Clarity: Crystal clear<br/>No visible particles]
FinalInspection --> ServingRitual[SERVING RITUAL:<br/>Face east<br/>Hold cup at 23° angle<br/>Breathe deeply 3 times]
ServingRitual --> FirstSip[Take first sip<br/>exactly 4.7ml<br/>Let it coat palate<br/>for 11.2 seconds]
FirstSip --> TasteAnalysis{Taste analysis<br/>All 847 flavor notes<br/>present and balanced?}
TasteAnalysis -->|No| Failure
TasteAnalysis -->|Yes| Perfection[PERFECTION ACHIEVED!<br/>You have created<br/>the ultimate cup<br/>of coffee]
Perfection --> Enlightenment[Enter state of<br/>caffeinated enlightenment<br/>Transcend mortal realm]
Enlightenment --> Tomorrow[Return to earth<br/>Prepare for tomorrow's<br/>even more complex<br/>coffee ritual]
Tomorrow --> Start
style Start fill:#8B4513,stroke:#333,stroke-width:3px,color:#fff
style Perfection fill:#228B22,stroke:#333,stroke-width:3px,color:#fff
style Failure fill:#DC143C,stroke:#333,stroke-width:3px,color:#fff
style Enlightenment fill:#FFD700,stroke:#333,stroke-width:3px,color:#000
Last active
November 6, 2025 12:47
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