How much does a rainbow weigh?

I dunno, but I think it's pretty light.

Why does the Mexican take medicine?

For Hispanic attacks

What do you do if your child is messing with electrical outlets?

Ground them until they conduct themselves properly.

What does a tree do when it hears one of my jokes?

It leaves.

What does an almond tree do when it hears one of my jokes?

It goes nuts.

What does a tropical tree do when it hears one of my jokes?

It facepalms.

I dropped my girl because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner, there were red flags everywhere...

Why are mountains always tired?

They can't Everest.

Puns make me numb...

But math puns make me number.

I used to hate facial hair...

But then it grew on me.

What does a tree do when it hears one of my jokes?

It leaves.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet.

Oops, e-daisies.

I'm depressed; all three of my sons want to become valets when they grow up.

Doctor: That's the weirdest case of Parking Sons Disease I've ever heard.

Don't call your students average...

It's mean.

Why can't you trust a math teacher?

They're always plotting something.

I was told my idea of a thought controlled air freshener was dumb.

But it makes scents when you think about it.

Want to hear a pizza joke?

Nevermind, it's too cheesy.

Want to hear a joke about paper?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

I just discovered I can't toast water in a toaster.

I'm shocked.

Why don't cannibles eat left handed people?

It just ain't right.

Did you know there's a mint that only makes dollars?

It doesn't make any cents.

My friend has a ladder buying addiction.

He's way too high.

Why did the chicken use the clicker?

To get to the other slide.

Did you know that Stephan King has a son named Joe?

I'm not Joe King, but he is.

How much does it cost Santa to park on the roof?

It's on the house.

A Spanish magician told everyone in three second...

And so he counted, uno, dos, and disappeared without a tres.

Today I found out that Albert Einstein was a real person.

I thought he was just a theoretical physicist.

I told a noble looking suit of armor a chemistry joke.

He didn't react.

I call my horse Mayo.

Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

What three letter word starts with gas?

Car.

I'm just reflecting...

Over whether I should have really bought that mirror or not.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't! Won't!"

The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."

What else is funny about the doctor from the joke above?

He had great delivery.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight, and a bishop.

I think I have a Chess infection.

What air do rich people breathe?

Millionaire.

Why was the snowman digging through a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

What does 5 tow trucks make?

A foot truck. Three of those make a yard truck.

What starts with an E, ends with an E, and has a single letter in it?

Envelope.

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a lot of letters in it?

Post office.

What is a dad's favourite breakfast?

Puncakes.

It wasn't easy when Emile Berliner invented the microphone...

He got a lot of bad feedback.

What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

What did the man say when his glasses were stolen?

I'll find you! I have contacts!

Why is dark spelled with a K, not a C?

Because you can't C in the dark.

How did the hacker run from the police?

He ransomware.

Someone threw a bottle of mayonaise at me.

I was like, "What the Hellmann?!"

We're having a baby. My wife wants to name her Alexis.

I want to name her Asubaru.

To the person who stole my Microsoft 365 account:

You may excel at social engineering, but your Outlook isn't good.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

C and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."

A man broke up with his girlfriend, Ruth...

He was Ruthless.