Sir Black was a dark and stormy knight. He was reigning in the kingdom of the white knights in Russia; his rival kingdom, Camelpot, was in a time of turmoil. Sir Black had sent some men over to try to take over, and everyone was suspicious of one another.
Back in the medieval ages when knights roamed the countryside and protected their castels, there lived a stableboy named Herkimer. He always dreamed of being a knight in shining armor and winning the heart of a fair maiden by slaying a dragon.
His dream was to be like his idol, Sir Billy, who was the greatest of all knights in the kingdom. Sir Billy's claim to fame was first for slaying FIREEYES, the most feared of all dragons, and second for causing the demise of SNARVLEY, the evil sorcerer who put a spell on the princess causing her to turn into a troll (Billy lifted the troll spell while he was at it, and the princess gave him 100 porcupines to show her gratitude). The third reason was the fact that he invented silly putty.
Herkimer's chance for knightdom finally came when Sir Oll E. North was beheaded for illegal sale of catapults and spears to foreign kingdoms. The kind decided to have a contest to find the best replacement for Oll.
The royal contest consisted of the following four categories: Jousting, Pie eating, Dragon slaying, and the Chinese downhill. Points would be awarded to each according to his speed, agility, and displayed knowledge in each area.
It was the night before the contest, and all through Herkimer's house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Herk and his dad were playing chess. It was at a crucial point in the game; everyone was holding their breath, and finally Herkimer moved his knight, putting his dad in checkmate. Chess was one of the ways people in the medieval ages practiced their concentration for a forthcoming contest. Anyway, Herk's dad got made, called Herk a jerk, and stormed off to knight club.
Herk put on a knight gown and went to bed, and being nervous about the next day he had a hard time falling asleep. All night long he had nightmares about losing the contest the next day.
The next morning Herk got up, dressed, ate, then saddled his horse named Bad Dream (because it was a knight-mare), and rode to the castle. The contest had already begun, so Herk just got in line and watched the other knights joust. They did not look much better than Herk felt he was, and soon it was his chance. He mounted Bad Dream and prepared for the joust. When the starting whistle was blown he shot out toward his opponent, who was not very experienced and did not expect such a fast attack. He knocked his opponent off his horse on the very first clash. The judges liked what they saw, and they gave him an 8.5.
The next category was pie eating; for Herkimer this was a piece of cake. He ate pie almost every day, and it showed when the contest started because he polished off 3 pies before even the fat kid finished 2. The judges gave him a 9.5.
The third event was dragon slaying. One of the most important aspects of being a knight was protecting the kingdom from all the fire-breathing dragons that thrived in the kingdom at that time. As I was saying, Herkimer had never fought a dragon in his life, not to mention killed one, but when it was his turn he got an idea. When all the king's horses, and all the king's men set the dragon loose again, he charged it and instead of using his lance a lot, he just hurled his dagger and struck the dragon between the eyes, killing it. The judges were very impressed with his accuracy and willingness to try a new approach, so they gave him a 9.7.
Now all the knights prepared for the final event, the Chinese downhill. The Chinese downhill was considered by some to be the ultimate test of knighthood. The knights put skis on, rode a tram to the top of the highest mountain in the kingdom, and raced to the bottom. The only rule was that the first knight to bottom won. Herkimer, being the shrewd little guy that he was, took a short cut through the site of the English winter Olympics; the judges gave him an 8.0 on the moguls. When he finished, he couldn't stop and accidentally went off a ski jump. He twisted and turned trying to regain some degree of control, and wound up taking first in the jumping competition for his unique triple-flip with a twist. Dizzy from all his twisting, he pirouetted his way through the ballet competition, and not ony got a 9.5 in ballet, but also managed to take first place in the combined competition. He was the first one to reach the bottom, thus making him the winner of the winner of the Chinese downhill.
The king got up in front of all the people of the kingdom and the castle press reporters, and announced the choice the judges had made, and said that Herkimer would be taking part in all of the knight meetings and quests.
One day, at a knight meeting, Sir Herkimer finally met Sir Billy, his Idol. After the meeting was over, Herk went to find Sir Billy, and was shocked to overhear a conversation between Sir Billy and Sir Gorbachev the Red from the white kingdom. It seemed that, for some time now, they had been making plans to overthrow the kingdom and turn it into a communist satellite nation under the rule of Gorby's nearby kingdom. Herkimer was horrified to hear such talk. Something had to be done, and he was just the knight to do it. He waited till Sir Billy was alone and then he told him that he knew of his plans and challenged him to a duel. So they had it out and Herkimer won because he practiced so hard to make varsity knights and because Sir Billy had been slacking off lately. So Herkimer became the castle hero, got his picture put on Wheaties cereal, got rich endorsing Armour hams, and married the princess Leah.
That night, as the now famous knight took off his armour and put on his knighties, he thought about how lucky he was; he could now stay out until 2:00 a.m. because he was no longer a weak knight.
THE END